These Things

Its December again and nothing has changed. I want to unwind and kill the clock inside my head. How did I come to think this was fine? I don’t want to wait until I die to see a new horizon.

 If he were here he would call me out. Say that I am vindicated. Make me aware of my afflictions, my latest mistakes. He would tell me to plaster that fake smile to the wall and set my unnatural on the top shelf, a little to the left. I know it’s all a lie but I want it to be true. I ignore all these things just so I can sleep at night; ashamed of these things.

 I want that one day of comfort. I want to take off my thick covering and say 'here I am' without sheepishly turning away. I used to be paranoid of getting lost and now I’m paranoid of being found.

While contemplating the words I should say to him, I’m thinking of all the places I don’t belong. I see the brake lights and stop signs and I’m dreading the crash that will wake me up.  

I check the watch on my wrist to avoid eye contact with him. He’s there in between the shadows that hold my struggles and the horizon that could actually be worthwhile. I want to be something that’s more than what’s expected. I want to be real.

If Only I Could've Said

This goes out to Mrs. Brems, my sophomore English teacher that asked me if I was native to English. In front of the whole class might I add. If only I could've said I'm not maybe my grade would've been better.

This one right here goes out to my dear friend Brandon Vance. I'll never forget the many days I spent with you and all of our inside jokes. If only I could've said I cared maybe you would still be here.

This is for my coach and my teammates. I'm sorry I struck out that last game. If only I could've said I tried maybe it would've made it okay.

This goes out to my best friend. I wish I could give you better advice. If only I could've said the right things when you needed them you might've come to me more to talk.

This is for every cheerleader. I'm very intimidated by you even though I used to be one. If only I could've said hi more maybe we would still be friends.

This very line is for the guy I've been in love with for years. If only I could've said yes we might still be together.

This is for all those other guys, if only I could've said no maybe I wouldn't be known for that.

This one is for the girl that stood up for me on the bus. If only I could've said thank you maybe she would've rode the bus more.

This last one goes out to sixteen year old me. If only I could've said don't do it maybe I wouldn't be fighting it now.

This is for all the maybes and should haves that might've made a difference.

 

Now that Yesterday is Over, Here Lies the Bucket List

1. Go skydiving for my 18th birthday... over Vegas...at night

2. Discover my dopple-ganger

3. Raise a duck because the last one died in a freak gasoline fight accident.

4. Be a part of a flash mob

5. Destroy a broken down car for the pure fun of life

6. Attend Mardi Gras

7. Fly first class while drinking tea with my pinky up and eat shrimp because it’s classy

8. Swim with sharks… maybe I’ll feed one or two

9. Feature in a foreign movie

10.  Play the song You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive at my wedding

11.  Get into a chick fight and wreck

12.  Go to a jazz club

13.  Be on the show Fear Factor

14.  Send mail via pigeon

15.  Own an ant farm

16.  Watch all the old scary movies like Psycho at a drive in movie theater

17.  I must whittle

18.  Learn to tango

19.  It would be keen if I got asked to a guys choice dance…

 

 

 

 

 

Unprepared to

FREE FALL

 

You Are Beautiful

Dearest Jessie,

                You and I are 13 years apart. When you were born I wasn’t sure how to deal with a sister who has Down syndrome. I was barely used to having any siblings and was not a fan of children. I was angry mom didn’t tell me about you sooner, I was angry she didn’t want you at first, and I was angry when the doctor offered her an abortion.

 I didn’t understand when you were in the hospital for three months and I wasn’t allowed to see you. But when you were brought home you just looked chubby. You didn’t look different or abnormal. You didn’t seem slower than the other kids your age until about this year.

I still don’t understand what you say 90% of the time. I get frustrated and impatient with you for numerous reasons. And I’ll admit I still don’t know how to act around you or how lightly I should treat you. But I will always stand by you.  I raged at the 6 year old neighbor boy that called you funny looking and I would do it again to anyone that puts you down. To me Jessie, you are beautiful.

Guidelines to Being a BAD ASS

If your intentions of reading this are seeking the ways of being bad ass, I apologize in advance. Truth is I’m just a girl, I collect beanie babies and no one in their right mind thinks beanie babies are bad ass. If you agree, stop reading and don’t look further into these lines of honesty.

I bet you could search on Wikipedia the step by step instructions from some lowly internet guru. Most likely someone has, and maybe only a handful of people care and are in pursuit.

But in my mind a bad ass wears leather or is some western cowboy with scruff. A bad ass would be humble. A bad ass wouldn’t spend time providing you with ways to be a poser. A bad ass wouldn’t do that for someone like you, someone like me.

 For someone like me I spend my time beating every video game I own and adding to my Wall. I dream of saving animals and donating blood to suffering individuals.  I’m a terrible Mormon but I pray to god I’m not shallow.

Picture of my Wall

10 Things We Did & Probably Shouldn't Have

1- Made friends with the homeless man.

2- Watched Silence of the Lambs.

3- Turned the tredmill up to 'rabbit speed' and both of us jumped on.

4-  Drank the whole bottle of vodka and replaced it with water then put it back in the freezer.

5-  Started a band.

6- Went on a roadtrip to Vegas without our parents knowing and then got pulled over.

7- Broke into an abandoned house and made it our own.

8- Went skinny dipping in the AF Rec Center

9- Started "N" night.

10- Brought snakes in our pocket to Olive Garden and lost them.

Newspaper Blackout

-He lived in the basement sometimes. He did not eat or watch movies with them. He had issues hearing and did not speak. He drank Whiskey on Thursdays and visited the graveyard on Sundays. Once or twice I cared.

 

-Question everything to make them feel anxious. I think that gave a strong message. He said “I need a break from reason and have common sense.”

 -It was a vacant apartment scene. I wanted to see the flowers again and sit there and remember my baby girl. One bullet and the shooting was complete. I am angry this has happened. I just want the truth and I am willing to wait on those Wednesday flowers.

I Remember the #5

I remember being 5 years old and all I wanted to do was play baseball.
I remember declaring 5 as my lucky number.
I remember believing that I rolled a lot of 5s while playing the dice game.
I remember refusing to play the dice game because it was was only luck if you won.
I remember being the 5th batter and hitting my first homerun. I missed third base...
I remember breaking 5 bones at once. I remember telling my coach to put me back in the game.
I remember the 5 times that I've ever cried past the age of 5; when I was raised to be stone cold.
I remember stealing 5 bubblegums from the store. The mother made me take them back.
I remember when bubblegum was only 5 cents.
I remember the 5 concerts I've been to.
I remember when I used to want to be a band whore for Nikki Sixx.
I remember all 5 bee stings that I've gotten in my life.
I remember the 5 hamsters I've owned. My dog slaughtered four of them, I accidently starved one.
I remember being 5 years old and living off Ramen. When I used to think I made thee best Ramen.

How It Begins

Start-Me. Nowhere. Unconscious. Limitation. Youth. Police. Alternation. Yellow. Outcome.

50 cent. Piece. Collect. Gap. Accused. Virgin. False. Legend.

Zero. Dosage. Dealer. Horror. Repeat. Again. Pressure. Help. Hush. Speak. Softly.

Atmosphere. Smoke. Violin. Strings. Escape. Sixteen. Candles. Monster. Markings. Left.

Pursue. Right. Pocket. Low. Defeat. Vanish. Behind. Disappearing. Going. Going.

Gun. Solution. Gone-Stop.

If Life Had a Point System

If I was given a point for every good deed would I give a little more?
If I lost a point for every time I sinned would I change my ways?
Would I compare myself to those who have many?
Or would I look down on those who have few?
If life gave me rewards for my numerous points and punishments if my points became low,
would I seek the reward or gain a sick pleasure of punishment?
What if life had a point system....

For These Bricks On My Shoulders Will Kill Me

I have many bricks on my shoulders.

They come with me wherever I go and sometimes we share secrets.

Another secret will come along and then comes another brick, perched on my right shoulder.

Many more bricks will join when I tell a lie or just not the whole truth.

My bricks become my friends when I do things the devil smiles upon.

For these bricks on my shoulders are starting to become heavy

and yet, I continue to keep them close.

 

 



Dear Jared

This is the letter that I will never send. First I would like to apologize for the things that I’ve done and the person that I’m not. I’m sorry I have a hard time respecting you. That I sometimes challenge your authority and I don’t like listening to you. I’m sorry that I’m sloppy and I occasionally cry. You don’t believe in crying because it is a weakness.

                I also need to forgive you. Forgive you for leaving me. Forgive you for calling me the mistake that forced you into marrying my mother. I need to forgive you for the names you call me, the bruises you leave, and the emotional scars. I need to let go of the time you refused to come visit me in the hospital. The one you work at. You were only two floors away and didn’t want to see me. I was scared and hurt and I needed a father.

                I needed a father on every first day of school when a father sends their child off with their blessing and a hug. I needed you on my second day of high school when I heard the news that my little sister was diagnosed with cancer. I needed you to provide me with food and necessities when you and mom were tending to her. That neglect forced me into having to find a job, live with other people, sneak an apple into my pocket at Wal-mart just to eat.

                I want to stay angry at you. I want to never speak to you again. But I know that if I do I will never be at peace. I know the memories you left me with will haunt me more than it will affect you because you don’t care. So I will forgive you but I can’t forget how you crippled me.

Now this, this is not life it's death

The reality of this is, no one is going to save water. This means that your death is going to come slowly, and you know it. So take those last laps around the big fish bowl because you're just one fish No one in their right mind is going to save water for just one fish. So enjoy the room temperature water while you can and maybe get some fresh water plants to lighten your spirits. Because truth is, you are going to die.

Hello Life? It's me.

So here’s the thing, you’re unpleasant. I’m going to be straight up I think you’re bipolar. I think you are too high and mighty to manipulate, too critical. You make me a little uneasy, a little insecure.

 I’m knocking on your mahogany hand carved door asking for a break, maybe some time off. But you being “the boss” tell me to suck it up and keep going. You tell me to push through my shift, stay positive, and keep working hard.

How do you expect me to stay positive? My feet hurt; I’m tired, and am almost to the point where I enjoy complaining about it.

But then after that shift you decide to hand me a drink and give me that $0.10 raise as a pick-me-up. Then awkwardly mention, after I thank you, that I’ll need to pay for the drink that is now opened and half empty. Empty like my pocket because you just took back the $0.10 raise you gave me.

This is because you are a bastard. Without you I’d be homeless so instead I frown, maybe shed a tear from your impoliteness.

The point to this is that I’m sincerely asking you to ease up and give me the drink, free of charge.

 

I fear IT

I'm running out of breath

 

I can't believe its so hard to breathe

 

My hearts pounding in my chest

 

As I wonder if IT found me

 

I hide under the covers and pretend I'm invisible

 

Then I turn around and IT is still there

 

I scream and pray IT would just go away

 

I'm running and running but IT is

 

Right behind me

 

I've been running from this thing for 5 years now

 

I stop running and decide to face my fears

 

Once and for all

 

As I stand face to face to what has caused me

 

So much misery and pain

 

I stop

 

I look deeper and deeper into IT's eyes

 

Than I realize that IT is me.

 

You know my name but not my story
You know what I've done but not what I've been through.

Addiction

I'm lying on my bedroom floor.
Searching for images imprinted in the ceiling.
My eyes unfocused; my thoughts blank and unheard of.
My body is motionless and pinned.
I am physically unable to force myself upward and walk a straight line.
I need to sleep to end this high.
It has gone for too long and lost its bliss.
I am drained.
I know this emptyness isn't worth the euphoric experience.
Or is it?
I am indecisive because I know I'll do it again.
This is my sickness.
The ugly forbidden disease that is slowly picking at the frayed edges of my life.
Eventually it will conquer me.
I tell myself it's gotten out of control.
But my senses tell me I don't care enough to stop.
My money, emotions, my lessening brain activity, are creeping into a deadly mouse trap.
I am enticed by this temptation at every corner.
Enslaved by this drugs shackles, I am ADDICTED.

Love is a Jackal

Love is the Holy Grail

It is ceased to be

Love is a flesh wound

A reminder not to do it again

Except love is heroin

It is addicting and euphoric

Love is like cancer

It is untreatable

Love is high maintenance

Like a salt water fish tank

Love is an office park without any trees

It is corporate and cold

Love is a swing set

It will eventually rust and break

Love is a jackal

It comes from hell

Love has the bark of a beast

But is in fact dangerous

Love is an egg

9 times out of 10 it will crack or rot

Love is bitter and dumb

But it is my sugar plum

Love is awful

But I love it.