These Things

Its December again and nothing has changed. I want to unwind and kill the clock inside my head. How did I come to think this was fine? I don’t want to wait until I die to see a new horizon.

 If he were here he would call me out. Say that I am vindicated. Make me aware of my afflictions, my latest mistakes. He would tell me to plaster that fake smile to the wall and set my unnatural on the top shelf, a little to the left. I know it’s all a lie but I want it to be true. I ignore all these things just so I can sleep at night; ashamed of these things.

 I want that one day of comfort. I want to take off my thick covering and say 'here I am' without sheepishly turning away. I used to be paranoid of getting lost and now I’m paranoid of being found.

While contemplating the words I should say to him, I’m thinking of all the places I don’t belong. I see the brake lights and stop signs and I’m dreading the crash that will wake me up.  

I check the watch on my wrist to avoid eye contact with him. He’s there in between the shadows that hold my struggles and the horizon that could actually be worthwhile. I want to be something that’s more than what’s expected. I want to be real.

If Only I Could've Said

This goes out to Mrs. Brems, my sophomore English teacher that asked me if I was native to English. In front of the whole class might I add. If only I could've said I'm not maybe my grade would've been better.

This one right here goes out to my dear friend Brandon Vance. I'll never forget the many days I spent with you and all of our inside jokes. If only I could've said I cared maybe you would still be here.

This is for my coach and my teammates. I'm sorry I struck out that last game. If only I could've said I tried maybe it would've made it okay.

This goes out to my best friend. I wish I could give you better advice. If only I could've said the right things when you needed them you might've come to me more to talk.

This is for every cheerleader. I'm very intimidated by you even though I used to be one. If only I could've said hi more maybe we would still be friends.

This very line is for the guy I've been in love with for years. If only I could've said yes we might still be together.

This is for all those other guys, if only I could've said no maybe I wouldn't be known for that.

This one is for the girl that stood up for me on the bus. If only I could've said thank you maybe she would've rode the bus more.

This last one goes out to sixteen year old me. If only I could've said don't do it maybe I wouldn't be fighting it now.

This is for all the maybes and should haves that might've made a difference.

 

Now that Yesterday is Over, Here Lies the Bucket List

1. Go skydiving for my 18th birthday... over Vegas...at night

2. Discover my dopple-ganger

3. Raise a duck because the last one died in a freak gasoline fight accident.

4. Be a part of a flash mob

5. Destroy a broken down car for the pure fun of life

6. Attend Mardi Gras

7. Fly first class while drinking tea with my pinky up and eat shrimp because it’s classy

8. Swim with sharks… maybe I’ll feed one or two

9. Feature in a foreign movie

10.  Play the song You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive at my wedding

11.  Get into a chick fight and wreck

12.  Go to a jazz club

13.  Be on the show Fear Factor

14.  Send mail via pigeon

15.  Own an ant farm

16.  Watch all the old scary movies like Psycho at a drive in movie theater

17.  I must whittle

18.  Learn to tango

19.  It would be keen if I got asked to a guys choice dance…

 

 

 

 

 

Unprepared to

FREE FALL

 

You Are Beautiful

Dearest Jessie,

                You and I are 13 years apart. When you were born I wasn’t sure how to deal with a sister who has Down syndrome. I was barely used to having any siblings and was not a fan of children. I was angry mom didn’t tell me about you sooner, I was angry she didn’t want you at first, and I was angry when the doctor offered her an abortion.

 I didn’t understand when you were in the hospital for three months and I wasn’t allowed to see you. But when you were brought home you just looked chubby. You didn’t look different or abnormal. You didn’t seem slower than the other kids your age until about this year.

I still don’t understand what you say 90% of the time. I get frustrated and impatient with you for numerous reasons. And I’ll admit I still don’t know how to act around you or how lightly I should treat you. But I will always stand by you.  I raged at the 6 year old neighbor boy that called you funny looking and I would do it again to anyone that puts you down. To me Jessie, you are beautiful.

Guidelines to Being a BAD ASS

If your intentions of reading this are seeking the ways of being bad ass, I apologize in advance. Truth is I’m just a girl, I collect beanie babies and no one in their right mind thinks beanie babies are bad ass. If you agree, stop reading and don’t look further into these lines of honesty.

I bet you could search on Wikipedia the step by step instructions from some lowly internet guru. Most likely someone has, and maybe only a handful of people care and are in pursuit.

But in my mind a bad ass wears leather or is some western cowboy with scruff. A bad ass would be humble. A bad ass wouldn’t spend time providing you with ways to be a poser. A bad ass wouldn’t do that for someone like you, someone like me.

 For someone like me I spend my time beating every video game I own and adding to my Wall. I dream of saving animals and donating blood to suffering individuals.  I’m a terrible Mormon but I pray to god I’m not shallow.

Picture of my Wall

10 Things We Did & Probably Shouldn't Have

1- Made friends with the homeless man.

2- Watched Silence of the Lambs.

3- Turned the tredmill up to 'rabbit speed' and both of us jumped on.

4-  Drank the whole bottle of vodka and replaced it with water then put it back in the freezer.

5-  Started a band.

6- Went on a roadtrip to Vegas without our parents knowing and then got pulled over.

7- Broke into an abandoned house and made it our own.

8- Went skinny dipping in the AF Rec Center

9- Started "N" night.

10- Brought snakes in our pocket to Olive Garden and lost them.