Its December again and nothing has
changed. I want to unwind and kill the clock inside my head. How did I come to
think this was fine? I don’t want to wait until I die to see a new horizon.
If he were here he would call me out. Say that
I am vindicated. Make me aware of my afflictions, my latest mistakes. He would
tell me to plaster that fake smile to the wall and set my unnatural on the top
shelf, a little to the left. I know it’s all a lie but I want it to be true. I ignore all these
things just so I can sleep at night; ashamed of these things.
I want that one day of comfort. I want to take
off my thick covering and say 'here I am' without sheepishly turning away. I used
to be paranoid of getting lost and now I’m paranoid of being found.
While contemplating the words I should
say to him, I’m thinking of all the places I don’t belong. I see the brake
lights and stop signs and I’m dreading the crash that will wake me up.
I check the watch on my wrist to avoid eye
contact with him. He’s there in between the shadows that hold my struggles and
the horizon that could actually be worthwhile. I want to be something that’s more
than what’s expected. I want to be real.
